painting pity party

today the kids and i were

supposed to have a fun after school adventure

to a tulip farm.

and oh my goodness was i excited for it.

an afternoon together,

not at some ball field,

in some car pool,

 or stuck inside doing some homework.

it was going to be dreamy.

but instead it was dreadful.

arguing and pushing within minutes 

of getting in the car with each other.

squawking about the glorious spring wind 

coming through the sun roof.

tween girl who couldn't seem to muster 

anything other than one word responses,

but had the eye role perfected.

boy who declared tulips

were so stuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid.

little sister who

did not think a tulip farm was an

actual "adventure."

but mostly a mama 

whose feelings were really, really hurt.

so i pulled the classic...

"forget it"...

turn the car around and head back home...

"i can't believe after all i do for you, 

you can't do this one thing for me"...

clenching the steering wheel...

"nope, it's too late"...

looking straight ahead...

 "it's obvious how you guys feel about me"...

eyes filled to the brim with the kind of tears where the kids aren't sure...

is she sad...or is she mad.

i was both.

it was a full blown pity party.

so i came home,

and told them to figure out their afternoon...

"i was done."

and then had my own painting pity party in the backyard,

dreaming about the farm and tulips and memories with friends

we were supposed to have...

while torturing myself knowing i should have mama rallied, 

been the bigger person, given grace.

but i guess my pathetic pity party painting 

of the tulips will have to do.

the question is, 

will i, can i, look at it

with mama joy...or only mama regret.