Wednesday, May 9, 2018

painting pity party

today the kids and i were
supposed to have a fun after school adventure
to a tulip farm.

and oh my goodness was i excited for it.
an afternoon together,
not at some ball field,
in some car pool,
 or stuck inside doing some homework.

it was going to be dreamy.
but instead it was dreadful.

arguing and pushing within minutes 
of getting in the car with each other.

squawking about the glorious spring wind 
coming through the sun roof.

tween girl who couldn't seem to muster 
anything other than one word responses,
but had the eye role perfected.

boy who declared tulips
were so stuuuuuuuuuuuuuupid.

little sister who
did not think a tulip farm was an
actual "adventure."

but mostly a mama 
whose feelings were really, really hurt.

so i pulled the classic...
"forget it"...
turn the car around and head back home...
"i can't believe after all i do for you, 
you can't do this one thing for me"...
clenching the steering wheel...
"nope, it's too late"...
looking straight ahead...
 "it's obvious how you guys feel about me"...
eyes filled to the brim with the kind of tears where the kids aren't sure...
is she sad...or is she mad.

i was both.
it was a full blown pity party.

so i came home,
and told them to figure out their afternoon...
"i was done."
and then had my own painting pity party in the backyard,
dreaming about the farm and tulips and memories with friends
we were supposed to have...
while torturing myself knowing i should have mama rallied, 
been the bigger person, given grace.

but i guess my pathetic pity party painting 
of the tulips will have to do.
the question is, 
will i, can i, look at it
with mama joy...or only mama regret.

Thursday, May 3, 2018

not freaking out

that moment,
when you come downstairs and see food coloring
in the grips of the littlest sister
and you don't freak out.

it was a moment.
a moment that i feel so defines this 
phase we are in.

little sister just doing a science project with her big sister.
little sister just skiing down a mountain.
little sister just riding her two wheeler.
little sister just getting her own breakfast.
little sister just emptying the dishwasher.
little sister just marching in the parade with her t-ball team.
little sister just wiggling her first loose tooth.
little sister just swimming without a floatie.
little sister just wiping her own tushie.
little sister just not acting so little.

i guess we are here now.
and, well...
i may not be freaking out,
but my heart sure is bursting.

Wednesday, April 25, 2018

spring break bits

adventure bits from april break.
we traveled north to do some spring skiing
on mount tremblant, canada
with a pit stop on the way there and on the way back
in burlington, vt.

here's a peek of from our time
strolling church st in burlington...
hitting the tremblant slopes...
exploring the village...
dreaming about future european trips...
riding the gondola...
enjoying lots of sweets and poutine..
chilling by the pool and outdoor hot tubs...
reading, snuggling and gaming in our air bnb...
escaping the pirate escape room...
schlepping gear...
fueling up at citizen cider in burlington..
toasting a great family trip with ice cream cones at ben & jerry's.