i didn't get it

it's the morning of 9/11...

like so many of us, 

i can remember everything

about where i was, what i was doing, and who i was with.

and like every year,

it wrecks me and reminds me of something i'll never forget.

in september of 2001 i was in my senior year at brandeis.

i was pre-law and interning at the attorney general's office in boston.

i was a case worker, where i gathered evidence and mediated conflict. 

it was a good experience and i learned a ton.

(i'm obviously didn't become t a lawyer...more on that another time)

on the morning of 9/11 i was in the office super early 

because i had to get back to campus in the afternoon for classes.

it was my 3rd day and i was working away in my little government office cubicle.

no one really knew me yet,

and i honestly think they forgot i was even there.

next thing i know i was told by security that i could go home,

that they were closing the office.

my manager was no where to be found,

and i had no clue what was going on.

i didn't get it.

i overheard in the stairwell that a plane hit a building in new york.

i assumed it was an accident.

i didn't get it.

i made my way to the commuter rail.

so many people were running in suits.

i was walking in my suit and wondering why they were running.

i was in boston...not in new york.

i didn't get it.

i got to the station.

the trains weren't running.

the lines were long.

people were upset.

i was clueless.

i didn't get it.

i remember thinking...

i'm going to wait this out.

i obviously can't get back to campus yet.

my phone isn't working.

i can't call anyone to come pick me up.

my office is closed.

i don't have class until 3.

it's a beautiful day.

i think i'll go shopping in faneuil hall.

i did that.

i shopped on 9/11.

i didn't get it.

it was definitely a different time.

i didn't have a smartphone or 

moment-to-moment access to what was happening.

but the part that is the most confusing, 

and honestly wrecks me when i remember back

is that i didn't talk to anyone or simply say,

"excuse me, 

human, passerbyer, stranger, citizen, bostonian, american, brother, sister...

"could you please share with me what it is going on?"

i didn't get it.

i didn't do that.

i shopped.

oh and i had lunch in quincy market.

i SO didn't get it.

hours later i headed back to the train.

north station was quiet.

my train was running.

i got on it.

i read my book.

i figured i'd be back in time for class.

i didn't get it it.

i walked back to my quad to grab my books.

i walked into my dorm and 

my classmates and roommates were

all huddled in our common room,

glued to the tv,

tissues everywhere,

eyes puffy.

they jumped up, hugged me and said, 

"erin! 

thank god you are okay! 

where have you been?

we've been trying to get through to you all day!"

i didn't get it.

i finally asked what really happened.

i was told.

i saw the footage.

i dropped the shopping bag and fell to my knees.

i was wrecked.

i got it.

and for the hours, days, weeks, months and years since,

i've mourned those that lost their lives 

on those planes, in those buildings and in the efforts to save, protect, heal and rebuild.

i've mourned with classmates, colleagues, neighbors and friends who lost

friends, parents, children, brothers, sisters, husbands and wives.

while i will forever carry the shame of shopping on 9/11,

i can also say it was a moment that has forever shaped who i am and how i parent.

it's why i will say hello, 

ask people how they are doing,

and never be afraid to ask for help.

and it's why i tell my kids to say hello,

ask people how they are doing,

and never be afraid to ask for help.

because we are humans, passerbyers, strangers, citizens, bostonians, americans, brothers and sisters...

and on 9/11 we remember that that really matters.

that our moments together really matter.

that we can help each other and that really matters.

that we can love each other and that really matters. 

i didn't get it.

i freakin' shopped.

but oh how i do now.

remembering, mourning and never forgetting

with you dear ones.