thoughts while waiting for the bus

written while waiting for the the big yellow bus to bring ella home earlier today.

home where she'd been during april break.
home where she is the best big sister on the planet.
home where we are bonded down to the core.
home where she is daddy's little girl.
home where her quiet self is most alive..
creating, exploring, thinking, loving, confident, brave, bold and loud.
home where all of that is so much easier for her than anywhere else.

without sharing too much,
i've been watching and feeling my first born grow and change
and be challenged in new ways these past few weeks.
new and beautiful but also very hard ways.
hard, not just because it's hard for her because of who she is ...
but hard because it's hard for us as parents too, because of who we are.

 sometimes it's just too much.
today i confess i almost didn't put her on that big yellow bus.
today i cried my mama ugly cry as it pulled away and brought her back
to school and far away from home.
and while yes there are only 40 days left and 
i'm thankful that april break gave us a beautiful peek into what this summer will look like,
i know that these next few weeks and final days will in many ways define this year.
that all this hard stuff is the lord molding her in the now and getting ready her what's to come...
and us too.

so, here's to embracing it.
to living it and loving it through the ugly that it is and is still to come.
to seeking the beauty and growth that's there to be found.
to loving and believing through every bit of it.

note:
sending a sympathetic shout out to all those poor poor innocent first borns.
(and not just because i was one too)
poor poor babies, having to suffer and learn as we parents suffer and learn right along with them.