my aching mama heart

it took me days to process the news of last friday.  i couldn't hear it, read it, see it. i stayed away from the tv, radio, email, computer, facebook.  i wouldn't believe it.  i couldn't cry.  i couldn't pray. i was numb.

the bits i knew were from wes - wrapped in his sweet voice - protecting me from the brutal reality of what happened.  the words of my pastor on sunday morning of hope and promise - yet i was unable to connect it since i still hadn't acknowledged it...seen it...read it..heard it..believed it.

i could love though.  i could cuddle my kids longer.  i could say yes more.  i could see them better.  i could hear them clearer.  i could tuck them in tighter. and that's when it hit me, broke me, shattered me... that all those mamas in newtown can't.

so bit by bit - i opened my laptop to read, see and hear.  to see those faces.  to say those names. to read age 6, age 6, age 6 over and over again while my own 6 year old is safe and happy at home.

oh how my mama heart aches for those families...mourns with tears to fill a river...and prays to our loving father in heaven to wrap his arms around them, us and those who have entered his gates too soon.

i can't really say that i believe it anymore now than when i didn't know.   but i can say that with deep sadness and brokenness there is love and hope to be found.

a call to love more...to hope more.   a call to come together and carry this heavy burden together, as one body, family, community, nation in a way that brings change.  brings more love.  brings more hope.

we just have to.